The In Law From Hell
by nuttycookie
Summary: Us IchiRuki fans just LOVE to fantasize about our favorite Strawberry and Midget, but there's one BIG part of the marriage agreement that we often tend to forget: the in-laws.
1. Chapter 1

Hey, all! NC here with big news (for me, at least): I'M FINALLY ON FANFIC!!! After all these years of reading oodles of great Fanfics on here, I FINALLY got myself an account! YIPPEE!!! I haven't had the chance (or the inspiration) to write any fanfictions for a LONG time (I may put up some of my older fics later), but after visiting with my buddy geniecat2 for four days, I felt the urge to write my first BLEACH Fanfic!! After using a couple of days to 'convert' her to Bleach, she helped me come up with perhaps my best idea yet: at 3:00 in the morning, no less!! O_o ARIGATOU, KAYLA-CHAN (geniecat2)!! I miss you already! *sends friend cyber-hug* Hope you all enjoy it, but first, here's our favorite captain with an important message!

Byakuya: *reading from script* Ahem. Nuttycookie does _not _own BLEACH or any of the characters contained within this fic. They are all the property of Tite Kubo and his brilliant mind...*looks up* Brilliant? If he's so brilliant, then why did—

NC: Kuchiki-san…

Byakuya: *sighs* Fine. *goes back to reading script* Nuttycookie does not own any possible references that may 'pop up' from other anime, TV shows, whatever. *glances at authoress suspiciously* However, nuttycookie does, in fact, own the plotline of this fic, and is completely responsible for any harm done to the readers or characters. *grins evilly* Does that mean—

NC: NO!!

Byakuya: Aww. *clears throat* Nuttycookie would like to thank her friend Kayla, aka geniecat2, for providing ideas and quotes for the following fic. *puts down script* Can I go now?

NC: *shrugs* Sure. Arigatou, Taichou! *waves* Just be careful: Kayla-chan might be looking for you…

Byakuya: *looks around nervously* Is that a bad thing?

NC: Not unless you consider a brand-new IchiRuki and Byakuya fangirl to be dangerous.

Byakuya: …

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The room was quiet and dark, save for the soft ticking of the clock on the wall and the glimmer of light that reflected off of the amber eyes of a certain orange-headed Shinigami Substitute. He sighed contentedly as he gazed down at the raven-and-cream-colored bundle that was tucked down into his chest—his bride, the notably smaller Shinigami from the noble house of Kuchiki. Ichigo ruffled Rukia's hair with his hand, and she snuggled closer. He closed his eyes with a wide grin across his face and started to doze…

_Beep beep beep_

Ichigo's eyelids flew open and Rukia stiffened beside him.

_Beep beep beep_

For the all-too-familiar chirp of a Soul Pager to go off in the middle of the night—especially _this _night, to boot—sent a wave of dread through the two death gods.

"Stay here, Rukia," Ichigo ordered, slipping out from under the covers. "I'll go see what's going on."

"Alright." The tiny Shinigami's eyes flitted back and forth in alarm as she watched her partner dart across the room and open the door to his closet. Was it a Hollow? An order? He rummaged through his backpack as quickly as his hands and half-awake mind would allow until he pulled out the device.

"Hmm?" He looked down at the display in confusion as it continued to beep away. It _wasn't _a Hollow alert, or an order from Soul Society. All that the tiny LCD screen said was 'PRIVATE NAME, PRIVATE NUMBER'. He flipped open the phone, his head tilted. "Hello?"

"Ichigo." The voice was deep. Threatening. Familiar. "What are you doing?"

The spiky-headed boy glanced at his bride and stepped into the closet, closing the door behind him. "Byakuya," he moaned, "It's 10:30 at night. What do _you_ think?"

"I said, what are you doing, Ichigo?"

"Nothing," Ichigo replied with a yawn.

Silence.

"I asked you a question, Kurosaki-san."

Ichigo _knew _he was in trouble when he heard that. "Uh, I wassleeping," he answered hesitantly.

Another pause. His voice deepened. "Is Rukia with you?"

Ichigo blinked. "Yeah, of course she is."

"What is she doing?"

Ichigo growled, growing more irritated with the Squad Six Captain by the moment. "She _was _sleeping, until _you_ interrupted us with this stupid phone call!" he hissed into the phone.

Pause. "Ichigo." Pause. "Don't you _dare _touch my sister. Understand?"

A bead of sweat slid down Ichigo's forehead. "Um, sure," he answered off-handedly.

Silence. "Do." Pause. "You." Pause. "Understand?"

The young deathberry swallowed thickly, more nervous than even if Senbonzakura itself was being held to his throat. "Yes, sir. I understand."

Pause. "Good."

Click.

Ichigo snapped the phone shut, feeling as though he was in a daze. He stumbled out the closet to find Rukia still sitting up, looking frightened.

"What's wrong?" she asked, her indigo eyes wide.

"Nothing." He slid back under the sheets, hesitating before putting his arm around Rukia's waist.

She blinked up at him in confusion. "Then why are you so upset?"

Ichigo shook his head. "Er, it was just some stupid prank caller. They can be very irritating, you know."

Rukia didn't look completely satisfied by his answer, but nonetheless she proceeded to curl up next to her nakama, tucking her head under his chin. "Alright," she sighed. "I still don't like seeing you so tense, you know." She laughed quietly, and they both settled back down. Half an hour later, sleep was nearly upon them when—

_Beep beep beep_

Ichigo opened one eyelid.

_Beep beep beep_

Rukia shifted.

_Beep beep beep_

Ichigo sighed, stepped over to the closet, picked up the Soul Pager, and saw yet again, 'PRIVATE NAME, PRIVATE NUMBER'. He growled, pressing the 'MUTE' button on the side, and crawled back into bed.

Ten minutes later—

_Beep beep beep_

Ichigo practically tossed the sheets off of himself and leaped out of bed. He grabbed the annoying little device, throwing inaudible curses at the Captain who seemed to have little-to-no respect for their tired minds and bodies.

_Beep beep beep_

Ichigo promptly threw the pager down onto the floor and proceeded to step on it with all the vehemence one would expect Rukia to give to an unfortunate Kon.

_Beep beep beep_

Rukia just lay in bed, blinking tiredly and with much confusion as Ichigo piled as many blankets, quilts, and pillows that he could muster on top of the pager. He closed the closet door much louder than necessary and flung himself back into bed.

At precisely 12:01, ever so faintly, there was once again, the oh-so-familiar

_Beep beep beep_

of that stupid Soul Pager. Ichigo's eye twitched.

_Beep beep beep_

Twitch twitch.

_Beep beep beep_

Grr…

Rukia didn't notice—the lucky girl had her ears covered by blankets and her head buried into a very irritated Ichigo. Maybe irritated isn't the right word; annoyed? Ticked? _Livid_?

You betcha.

At last the blasted beeping subsided. For now. But then…

12:22.

12:38.

12:47.

12:53.

1:06.

After that, Ichigo, now taking Rukia's idea of covering her ears with blankets, was able to successfully ignore the beeping torture device that screamed at him through his closet door.

It was 6:49 in the morning when they rolled out of bed the next day. While Rukia changed in the bathroom, Ichigo opened his closet, only to have a mountain of the aforementioned blankets, quilts, and pillows come down in a gigantic avalanche on top of him. After several minutes of struggling, he managed to find that stupid Soul Pager, hidden beneath a pink fleece blanket with little bunnies on it. He flipped it open, and his eyes nearly popped out of their sockets.

'52 NEW MESSAGES'

He sighed and held the little device to his ear.

_'How can one man leave so many stinkin' voicemails? These can't __**all **__be from Byakuya, right?'_

The most certainly _could_, and they most certainly _were_.

"Ichigo," the dark voice growled through the speaker, "Why aren't you answering? Pick up the phone."

Several messages later…

"Ichigo. What are you doing? Pick up your stupid phone!"

And then…

"Ichigo! You'd better not be doing anything to my Rukia-san, you hear me? Why the hell aren't you answering?"

"Ichigo! You stupid excuse for a Shinigami, answer me already! I'm going to kill you for this…"

And finally:

"KUROSAKI!! ANSWER YOUR FREAKIN' PHONE, YOU MORON!!! IF YOU DON'T PICK UP _**RIGHT NOW**__, _I'M GONNA—"

He never heard the rest—23 messages was more than enough punishment for the poor Substitute, all of which he listened to while attempting to change into his school uniform, down a bowl of cereal, listen to Asano and Mizuiro yell at him to hurry up from outside, and take an occasional glance at Rukia, who was watching him warily.

Ichigo snapped the phone shut as they walked out the door. "Stupid prank-caller," he muttered, just loud enough for Rukia to hear. "I think he finds harassing me to be an enjoyable pastime."

Rukia glanced up at him and took his hand in hers. "I'm sorry to hear that," she said gently. "But don't let it get to you—like you said, it's just a stupid prank caller. Nothing serious, right?" She smiled.

Ichigo faked a smile back, but it came out more like a grimace. "Right." He tentatively put an arm around his nakama's waist, ignoring the noisy exclamations sent his way by a certain Keigo Asano.

_'I suppose the best things in life aren't free,_' he mused as they walked, _'And I suppose this is nothing to be surprised by. After all, he __**is**__ the in-law from hell. __**Literally**__.'_

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So, what did ya think? Been a while since I've written any fanfics, so please forgive me if I'm rusty. Please also forgive any mushiness: I'm a Grade AAA IchiRuki nutcase!! ^_^ Review, please!! Constructive criticism is welcome, but please, no flaming, ok? All the papers on my desk might catch fire if you do that. ;) Thanks for reading!! Sayonara!


	2. Chapter 2

Guess what I have behind my back? Is it chocolate? Sugar? A Chappy plushie? NO!! It's ANOTHER CHAPTER!! YAHOO!!! *does happy dance* I want to say a special thank-you to all of you who reviewed. I really, REALLY appreciate it! It really did make my day (well, night, actually)! :) I apologize for anything in the previous chapter that may have been confusing—I seem to have a knack for making otherwise simple things complicated, ne? *shrug*

Anyhoo, this next chapter goes back in time a bit to Ichigo and Rukia's first date! What fun! =P And just for those of you who reviewed, I have a special surprise for you! Our good friend Renji Abarai is here today as our special guest disclaimer! Let's give him a round of applause!

Renji: Yeah, right! 'Round of applause'—give me a break! I'm not even in this story to begin with—

NC: Yes, you are.

Renji: —so why was I even dragged here in the—*stops* Wait, what did you say? I'm in the story? *gets crazy, happy look* YAY!! What do I get to do? *jumps up and down* When do I come in? Do I get to do anything NASTY to Ichigo? Huh? Huh? Do I? Please? PLLEEAAAASSSSEEE??

NC: Hold your horses, Renji! You don't come in for a few more chapters—

Renji: Aww, man…

NC: —but just why do you think I'm writing this? Of COURSE you're going to help torture Berry-chan! You just have to wait your turn.

Renji: Really? AWESOME!! *singing* It's peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time…

NC: Renji, did you steal my coffee again?!

Renji: …Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat…

NC: YOU FORGOT TO DISCLAIM, YOU BAKA!!

Renji: Oh, yeah, whoops. *laughs nervously* Sorry.

NC: *sighs* What _am_ I going to do with you?

Renji: *clears throat* Nuttycookie does not own Bleach, the characters, etc. They are the property of Tite Kubo. However, she _does _own the plotline, and is, as usual, responsible for any harm done to readers or characters. *looks at authoress* Am I done?

NC: Yeppers.

Renji: Ok! *resumes singing* Peanut butter jelly! Peanut butter jelly! Peanut…

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"Ichigo, are you sure this is customary?"

"Hmm? You mean necessary?" The strawberry cocked his head slightly.

"No, I mean, is it customary for your friends and family to be following you when you go out on a date?"

"Of course not, you stupid—WHAT!?!"

Ichigo, who had been walking downtown with Rukia after school this one Friday evening, hand in hand, spun around to find a small crowd suddenly split in a million different directions. He had spotted Ishida and Inoue among them, along with Tatsuki, Asano, his father and Yuzu, and of course, Kisuke with Yoruichi in cat form.

Ichigo hissed under his breath before he started walking again. Rukia was looking up at him with a wide-eyed, bemused expression. "Is everything okay, Ichigo?"

All fury disappeared without a trace—it always did whenever she looked at him like that. "Yeah. I guess that some people seem to have nothing better to do than to follow a couple of nakama around on their first date, is all."

"Oh. Okay."

The Substitute stifled a laugh as he held open the door to the little café for her. Rukia's innocence could surface at the strangest times, he thought.

They were seated at a table near the back of the diner next to a little window. "So, what strange concoction did Inoue bring for you today?" Ichigo asked casually while Rukia sipped carefully at her soda. "Lemon curd with bean paste again?"

The small Shinigami shuddered. "Thank goodness, no," she replied, looking suddenly a little paler than before. "It was…a pickled onion with molasses and…anchovies, I think."

The deathberry's eyes widened a bit. "Yikes. I hope she didn't make you eat that."

Rukia looked sick for a moment.

Ichigo gaped. "No way…"

She nodded gravely.

For a moment, the Substitute Shinigami looked absolutely horrified, but then a broad smile suddenly crossed his face. "You know, you really should stop reading those horror manga and just make your own." Ichigo laughed, leaning over the table to ruffle Rukia's hair. "Between your drawings and Inoue's cooking, you could come up with something _really _scary!"

Rukia beamed, ignoring for once the fact that her raven locks were now thoroughly tangled and that her drawing abilities—or lack thereof—had once again been insulted. All at once. "You really think so? I suppose that I might be able to—oh!" Rukia broke off, turning her head as she strained to see something—or someone.

"What is it?" Ichigo asked, confused, as he also turned to look. "Oh, crud." There was someone there, speaking with the waitress at the front desk. He was the last person that either of them expected—or in Ichigo's case, wanted anywhere _near _them.

"Nii-sama!" Rukia gasped, rising from her seat to greet the captain as he strode over to their table. "What are you doing here? Is something wrong?"

Byakuya just stood there, being his usual cold, quiet self. "No. Captain Commander Yamamoto sent me here to make sure that Urahara Kisuke hasn't been conducting any more of his troublesome experiments."

Ichigo felt like saying something along the lines of, 'Yeah, right,' but he held his tongue.

"Of course, I also came to make sure that you were alright as well, Rukia-san," Byakuya added, blinking down at the smaller Shinigami with a look that _almost_ qualified to be called 'gentle'.

Then he turned his attention to Ichigo, and his expression became as hard as steel. "May I sit, Kurosaki-san?"

Ichigo stuttered. To be honest, he wanted to tell the captain to get lost, but if he were to do that he'd likely lose his head, and he couldn't have that with Rukia around. "Sure, Byakuya," he sighed in resignation. "There's an empty chair, isn't there?" Yeah, right between him and Rukia. Of course.

Byakuya nodded. "Thank-you, Kurosaki-san." He sat down, not taking his eyes off of the strawberry. It was obvious: he had no intention of leaving until they did.

It was going to be a _long _first date, that was for sure.

Rukia made most of the conversation, chattering happily to Byakuya about high school and hollows and everything in between. She and Ichigo told some rather humorous stories together, but Ichigo's cheerful mood never lasted long under the captain's cold stare. Ichigo guessed that he must've had his sense of humor surgically removed. Rukia didn't seem to mind it much, though—Ichigo suspected that perhaps her being on her fourth refill of caffeinated-sugar-death might have something to do with that. And he wasn't the only one who noticed.

"Rukia-san," Byakuya said after a few moments of awkward silence—silent only because Rukia was taking an especially long sip of the aforementioned caffeinated-sugar-death—as he watched her strangely hyper behavior. "What is that you're drinking? I hope that Kurosaki-san here hasn't been allowing you any alcohol." He turned his suspicious gaze onto the Substitute, who wilted.

"Oh, this?" Rukia cocked her head, being totally oblivious to his dark tone. "No, nii-sama, this is strawberry soda. It's really good—you should try some!" She shoved it across the table over to Byakuya, who eyed the bright pinkish-red concoction warily.

The captain blinked. "No thank-you. I don't particularly care for strawberry." He sent a second-degree death-glare in Ichigo's direction. Ichigo looked as though he had lost several feet of his height by now.

Rukia shrugged, totally oblivious to her nakama's sudden—and completely understandable—discomfort. "Oh, okay. But you're really missing out." She reached over to retrieve her soda.

Byakuya suddenly stood and pushed in his chair. "If you two will excuse me, I should be off now to complete my mission." He nodded deferentially toward the two Shinigami. "Good evening, Rukia-san, Kurosaki-san."

And with that, he left.

_Finally._

Ichigo sighed, glancing out the window to find that it was now dark outside. He had no idea what time it was.

"What's wrong, Ichigo?" Rukia chimed, leaning across the table so that her wide, obviously over-caffeinated eyes were just inches from his own.

The strawberry shook himself as though trying to cast off whatever dark thoughts were plaguing him at that particular moment. "Nothing. I just didn't realize how late it had gotten. I suppose that means our date didn't turn out exactly as planned. I'm sorry."

Rukia beamed. "What are you talking about? It's not _that _late. Whatever you want to do, let's do it. I'm game."

_Of course_, Ichigo thought. _You're nice and high on caffeine and sugar. No wonder you're still awake. _"Hey," he said suddenly, snatching the soda from Rukia's grasp. "You think this'll perk me up for a while?"

The Shinigami blinked. "Oh? So you _are _as tired as you look, then?"

"You have _no_ _idea_," Ichigo muttered unintelligibly.

"Hmm?"

"Never mind."

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NC: So, what did you think? Good? Bad? Weird? Let me know so I can make things better! How do you do that, you ask? REVIEW!! :) And I have a special little extra if you do: an all-expense-paid dinner for two with, guess who? RENJI-KUN!!

Renji: Hey! You can't do that!

NC: Oh, yes I can. BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

Renji: NO! No way! I'm not going out with some random fangirl! Uh-uh! *shakes head stubbornly*

NC: Well, you _do _know that if nobody reviews, Renji-kun, that _I'll _have to be the one to go out with you…

Renji: What?! NOOOO!!!!!

NC: Hee hee...me and Renji-kun! Doesn't that sound fun?

Renji: *turns to readers* Please! Don't let me get stuck with…with…HER!! *points to authoress*

NC: Aww, come on! You know that I only torture characters that I love, Renji-kun! Now, where'd I put that duct tape…

Renji: HELP!! Somebody, please, _help_ _me_! *gets down on knees and begs readers* REVIEW!! REVIEW FOR MY LIFE!!!

NC: Hee hee…sayonara for now!! ;)


	3. Chapter 3

Hey, all! I first want to thank all you reviewers out there. I hereby hand Renji-kun first over to 3R15UK0UM31 and dragonmaiden50—you two will have to share, I guess. How about three hours each? That ok?

Renji: *tied to a chair with duct tape over his mouth and handcuffs* Mmm hmmn mmph!!

NC: What was that, Renji-kun? You'd rather stay with _ME_?

Renji: *shakes head timidly*

NC: Good! Now off you go! Bye-bye! *unties Renji and shoves him off* Now, where was I? Oh, yes: ANOTHER CHAPPIE!! YAY!!! This chapter occurs the day after Chapter Two, and…well, you'll see soon enough. Hehehe. But first, our disclaimer! Say hello to Random Dude!

Random Dude: *coughs* Nuttycookie does not own Bleach, the characters, the setting, etc. However, she does own the plotline and is completely responsible for any damage done to readers or characters.

NC: SEE, Renji-kun? THAT'S how you're supposed to disclaim! HE'S not babbling about peanut butter and jelly—

Random Dude: IT'S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME! PEANUT BUTTER—

NC: NO!! Can I not escape from this madness?? Guess not…

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"This is Lieutenant Abarai, reporting in. Captain Kuchiki, do you copy? Over."

"I copy you, Lieutenant Abarai. What is your position? Over."

"Just outside the targets' window. I might add that the Kurosaki's roofing is quite slippery. Over."

"That's beside the point, Lieutenant," Byakuya muttered into his walkie-talkie. "Get back to the mission. Can you see them?"

Renji squirmed about on the first-story roof of the Kurosaki household, trying to get an angle through the window into Ichigo's bedroom. "Not quite yet. Hold on a sec, Captain. Over."

Byakuya sighed but waited patiently as his lieutenant fidgeted about, grunting into his headset. It was bad enough that the captain had caught those two out on a _date _last night, but to find out from Kisuke that his little sister was sharing a bedroom with the Substitute? He had to investigate, of course, and that's _exactly _why he had sent Renji on this little 'mission'.

"Captain! I can see them now! Over."

"Good. What do you see? Over."

Renji strained his eyes. "Right now, only Ichigo is there. He just came in through the door. Now he's sitting down on the edge of the bed."

"Where's Rukia-san?" Byakuya snipped impatiently.

"I don't know, sir. She's not there. Maybe she—oh, wait, there she is! She just came out of his closet. Over."

"His _closet_?!" Byakuya nearly had a heart attack right there and then.

"Yeah, and now she's sitting next to him on the bed. He's messing with her hair a bit. And they're…they're…"

"They're _what_, Renji?"

"They're _holding_ _hands_, Captain." There was an audible _tsk tsk _on Renji's end.

Byakuya growled. "Now what are they doing?"

"They're talking about something; it must be funny, 'cause Rukia's practically laughing her head off. Oh, that's it!"

"What?"

"They're pointing at this little stuffed rabbit on Ichigo's pillow—it looks surprisingly like Rukia in her kimono, I might add. Never seen it before." Renji paused. "Okay, this is strange. Ichigo's stopped talking. He's leaning over to Rukia. Now he—" Renji broke off into what sounded like a coughing fit.

"Renji?" Byakuya prompted. "Renji, what's going on now?"

"He—he—" Renji gagged. "He's—kuh—kuh—"

Byakuya sighed. "Please, Renji, you're not speaking clearly. Over."

The redheaded Shinigami cleared his throat. "Sorry, sir. It's just that Ichigo just tried to do that—that _thing _with his mouth. On Rukia's cheek. And she just slapped him." He paused. "Can I go kill him now, Captain?"

Captain Kuchiki was almost visibly simmering. "No, Renji. Allow _me _to do the honors of informing our friend Kurosaki-san what happens if—Renji?" Byakuya stopped when he heard an abrupt, unintelligible shout from Renji's end. That shout was followed immediately by a loud _thunk_, a _crash,_ and then a _slam_.

"Renji?"

"…"

"Renji?"

"…"

Captain Kuchiki grunted with annoyance. "Lieutenant Abarai! Answer me! Over."

"Ow."

"Lieutenant?"

"Yes, Captain Kuchiki, sir. I seem to have…fallen off of the roof. Over."

"Fallen?"

"More like, kicked down onto the pavement, sir. Ow, my spleen…"

"I don't care about your spleen, Abarai! What about Rukia?!"

"Rukia?" Pause. "Yeah, Rukia's gonna kill me for this…"

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NC: So, how was this chapter? Let me know! =D Oh, and before I forget—

Random Dude: PEANUT BUTTER JELLY!! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY!!

NC: *sighs* Maybe I should go back to using characters as disclaimers…


	4. Chapter 4

Hello, again! Sorry I haven't updated in a bit—I've been busy working on an AMV! An _IchiRuki _AMV!! YAY!! I'll be putting up the link to it on my profile page if you want to go see it.

Anyhoo, ZeraKenchi requested that I bring back Byakuya-kun to disclaim after that, er, strange Random Dude kinda messed things up. Singing about peanut butter and jelly? *shivers* That was just _too _weird…

Byakuya: *dark voice* Singing about peanut butter and jelly?

NC: *suddenly nervous/confused* Um, yeah. That was Random Dude…do you know him?

Byakuya: You mean _did _I know him?

NC: *blinks* …

Byakuya: …

NC: You didn't…

Byakuya: …

NC: *edges away from Byakuya* Um…okay…

Renji: *comes bouncing in* IT'S PEA—

NC: NOO!! *glomps Renji and duct tapes his mouth shut*

Renji: Mmm hmmn mmph!!

NC: *whispering* Shh! We can't have him killing _you _off, too!

Renji: *blinks* Hmmn?

Byakuya: *clears throat and picks up script* Ahem. Nuttycookie does not own Bleach, the characters, etc. She also does not own the media reference found in this chapter: that belongs to the writers of NCIS. Nuttycookie would like to thank her friend Kayla, aka geniecat2, for providing her with said quote. Nuttycookie _does _own the plotline, and, yes, is responsible for any damage done to readers or characters. *puts down script* _Now _can I—

NC: Yes, yes, go right ahead.

Byakuya: *goes out of character with crazy grin and big, excited eyes* YAY!! *squeals* Hee hee! *runs off*

NC: …Did I just do something _really _bad?

Renji: *nods*

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Ichigo was nicely curled up in his bed, listening contentedly to the sound of Rukia fidgeting about in his closet. He wondered briefly just how comfortable that shelf on which she slept could be to make her want it so much more than the proper bed that she once had in Yuzu and Karin's room. Maybe that wasn't the reason? He certainly liked to think so. The strawberry chuckled to himself and closed his eyes…

_Beep beep beep_

His eyes flew open and he heard the door to his closet do the same. But then he heard a sound not usually associated with the typical late-night Hollow alert: Rukia stumbling around, cursing under her breath as she fumbled about in the dark.

"Rukia?" Ichigo asked timidly. "Something wrong?" He sat up, cocking his head to the side as he tried unsuccessfully to make out the Shinigami's petite form.

"Just that I can't find where you put that stupid Soul Page," she snipped impatiently as the device chirped away from somewhere in the room.

"Where _I _put it?" Ichigo scoffed. "I didn't touch your stupid Soul Pager, so don't look at _me_."

"Oh, really?" Rukia retorted as she started pulling apart his dresser drawers. "If it isn't where _I _put it, then what do you think happened to it? Did _Kon _misplace it, hmm?"

"Hey, it isn't even mine!" Ichigo snapped back. "How the hell should I know where you put it, midget?"

Rukia growled audibly, still trying to feel her way around the surprisingly dark room.

"Umm, do want me turn on the light?" Ichigo tentatively offered.

"No!" Shuffle shuffle.

"Why not? You'd be able to see a heck of a lot better than you can right now."

"Same thing goes for you." Shuffle shuffle.

Ichigo raised an eyebrow. "What's _that _supposed to mean?"

Silence.

"Rukia? I'm going to turn on the light—"

"No!" she interrupted. "You can't do that." The Soul Page had stopped beeping by now.

"Why not?" Ichigo prompted, impatient.

There was another soft shuffling, this time coming obviously from Rukia's feet, not from searching for the Soul Pager. "I'm, er, in pajamas right now."

"Pajamas? Rukia, what's all this about? I've seen you a hundred times in pajamas. I'm _going _to turn the light on, and we are going to find that stupid—"

"Don't you dare, _strawberry_!" she hissed before he could finish. Her voice dropped down to a mutter. "I'm not _really_ in pajamas. I'm…" She trailed off.

"In your underwear?"

Ichigo could almost hear her blushing.

He turned on the light anyway.

"_ICHIGO!!!!!_"

_Smack_

_Crash_

_Thud_

"_Ow._"

The next morning came much too quickly for a very sore and sleep-deprived Ichigo, but nonetheless it _was _a Monday and so school wasn't an option. The uncomfortable silence that had accompanied the pair during their fight with that pathetic little excuse for a Hollow followed them only as far as the corner of the street. Once they passed that point, things were pretty much back to normal—whatever _that_ was.

Immediately when they stepped foot onto the campus, Rukia was practically attacked by an obviously over-hyper Inoue. Ichigo watched with barely concealed amusement as Rukia was dragged about by the redhead who was chattering about her lunch and what weird things Ishida had said last night and why raccoons are cuter than puppies and something else that Ichigo couldn't quite make out because they had just turned the corner.

Yes, all those subjects were covered within about fifteen seconds. No, Rukia wasn't really following everything Inoue was saying, but she certainly tried.

Shortly afterward, the strawberry and his nakama joined each other in the classroom, seated next to each other as always, stealing the occasional glance and comment about whatever random subject was in their minds at the moment. Social studies passed slowly; geometry even _more _slowly. Lunch was much more enjoyable, except that Ichigo had to endure the rather uncomfortable, probing questions that Asano plagued him with—until said probing teenager was punched square in the face.

_That _certainly shut him up.

Of course, that was just when Rukia walked up.

"Ichigo, what's going on here?"

The Substitute sweatdropped. "Nothing. Come on, we're gonna be late for class."

Rukia looked up at him, perplexed. "But class doesn't start for another ten min—"

She never finished; Ichigo grabbed her arm and dragged her along toward the classroom.

"Ichigo!" Rukia huffed she was being tugged along. "What is this all about? What's the rush to be so early? I thought you hated biology class."

"I do, but—" Ichigo broke off as they stepped into class. Ishida was already there at his desk. He was the only one in the room. "Where's the teacher?"

"Mr. Taro is sick today, apparently," Ishida replied, eying the two critically. "I'm not sure who's filling in."

"KUCHIKI-SAN!!"

Suddenly, the attention of everyone in the room—namely Ichigo, Rukia, and Ishida—was abruptly stolen by the appearance of a certain redhead—namely Inoue—who proceeded to drag Rukia out the door down the hallway for 'something important'. Whatever _that_ was.

"Great," Ichigo muttered sarcastically as he sat down at his desk. "Now I have to sit through biology by myself. What fun."

By now the classroom was mostly full, except for Inoue, Rukia, and the teacher. Oh, scratch that: here he comes now.

Now we see Ichigo falling into a coughing/gagging fit.

He was tall, with black hair and narrow eyes, and a look that said 'I am one of the few people in this world who can kill you and leave _no forensic evidence_'.

Any guesses yet?

"Good afternoon, class," the teacher said formally. "I will be your substitute for the day. My name is Byakuya Kuchiki."

Ichigo was still having a seizure at his desk.

Byakuya cleared his throat quietly. "Today, we will be covering basic human anatomy. May I have a volunteer, please?" No one raised their hand, and Ichigo was just now getting some control over his convulsions. "How about _you, _Kurosaki-san?"

Ichigo blinked in shock—or was it fear, perhaps? "Um, s-sure." He stood up and walked to the front of the class, not quite sure what to expect.

Byakuya addressed the class, but his steely eyes were quite obviously on a certain Substitute Shinigami. "This, class—"

_Slam_

"—is the clavicle. This—"

_Thunk_

"—is the femur. This—"

_Thwack_

"—is the vertebrae. This—"

_Pow_

"—is the jawbone. And _this_—"

_Wham_

"—is the pelvis." He stepped back. Ichigo fell into a crumpled heap on the ground. "Any questions?"

Silence.

"How about you, Kurosaki-san?"

"Ow."

Silence.

Byakuya cleared his throat menacingly.

"No, sir. I understand, sir."

Byakuya nodded. "Good. You may return to your seat now, Kurosaki-san."

Ichigo moaned in pain. "No thank-you, sir. I think I'll just stay here."

Byakuya gave him a third degree death glare.

And then Rukia walked back in.

"Sorry I'm late," she apologized sweetly as she came through the door. "Inoue-san needed me to—Ichigo, what happened?" she asked, suddenly concerned as she noticed the little pile of strawberry on the floor.

"He fell."

Rukia looked up, and it took several seconds for her to realize—or at least convince herself—that the substitute biology teacher was…

"Nii-sama!" she gasped.

"Rukia-san, would you please escort Kurosaki-san back to his seat so that we may continue?"

"Of course," she stuttered, bending down to pull Ichigo back onto his feet. She sent him a look that said, 'you'd better explain all this later or else'.

And explain he would.

Once he could talk again, that is.

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So, what did ya think of this one? As always, let me know!

Renji: *sour* So you're not gonna try to 'buy' their reviews by selling off a character?

NC: Nope. But I _will _be giving away a special surprise to those who review…

Renji: What is it, then?

NC: If I told you, then it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it? Hee hee…

Renji: I guess not…

NC: Well, until next time:

REVIEW and SAYONARA!! :)


	5. Chapter 5

Hey again! Thank you all for reviewing—I have a pretty short chapter this time, but I didn't forget about my promise to bring you a little surprise! *reaches into magical pocket* I have Renji, Ichigo and Byakuya plushies for each of you!! You can hug them, squeeze them, poke them, and do all sorts of rotten things to them, should you desire! *evil cackle* And just for Sheiri-san, I have a Toshirou plushie!! *hands out plushies* I would have given you the real Toshirou, but he won't answer his cell phone…

Ichigo: *from 'off-stage'* Gee, I can't imagine why…

NC: Oh, look! It's our disclaimer! Come here, Ichi-kun!

Ichigo: *hobbles in on crutches* 'Ichi-kun' my ass! That last chapter was just plain _MEAN_!! What was the purpose of all that?!

NC: *sweetly* What do _you _think, Ichi-kun?

Ichigo: …To be funny?

NC: Yep! *grins goofily*

Ichigo: *growls and swings crutch at authoress* YOU HAVE A SICK SENSE OF HUMOR, YOU KNOW THAT!?!

NC: *ducks* Eep! Help! I'm being attacked by a strawberry!! *runs*

Ichigo: *chases after authoress* GET BACK HERE! HEY!!

Renji: *enters timidly* Umm…nuttycookie does not own Bleach or the characters; only the plot. She is—

_(loud_ _crash and scream from 'off-stage')_

Renji: —completely responsible for any damage done to readers or characters. I wonder if she's responsible for any damage done to _herself_, though…

Ichigo: *from 'off-stage'* YES SHE IS!!

Renji: … *leaves*

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It was a beautiful day in Soul Society. The sun was shining, there wasn't a cloud in the sky, and the air was sweet with the fragrances of spring. Back in the World of the Living, a certain strawberry and his nakama were most likely just hanging around without much to do at this time of day. But here in Soul Society, at the residence of a certain Byakuya Kuchiki, _someone _was keeping quite busy. The Squad Six captain was sitting pretzel-style in his bedroom with the sliding door open so that he could look outside. He had one of those strange gadgets he had picked up in the Living World called a 'pen', and a pad of lined paper in the other, also taken from the Living World—technically from Ichigo's desk. He scratched his chin in deep thought, gazing down at the pad and what was already written there—people in the World of the Living called it a 'to-do list', or something like that. Some of the items on the list had little checkmarks beside them; others were crossed out. Byakuya flipped through the pages, glancing absentmindedly at his 'list'.

_Plan 13: Write anonymous hate-mail to Ichigo_

_Plan 14: Poison Ichigo's lunch_

_Plan 15: Follow Ichigo around for no apparent reason (I believe they call this one 'stalking')_

There was a little checkmark next to that one.

The next few were crossed out:

_Plan 74: Take over Karakura Police Department and arrest Ichigo_

_Plan_ _75: Show up at Ichigo's door in a Hollow suit_

_Plan 76: Show up at Ichigo's door in a Chappy suit_

That last one was scratched out rather thouroughly.

The following set had yet to be attempted:

_Plan 153: Draw a mustache on Ichigo's face…with a Sharpie_

_Plan 154: Set up a webcam in Ichigo's bedroom and threaten to post embarrassing shots of him on YouTube_

Byakuya particularly liked the sound of that one…

_Plan 236: Steal gigai from Urahara's shop that looks like Rukia-san_

_Plan 237: Steal Ichigo's irritating little music-playing device and put hate-messages on it_

_Plan 238: Kidnap Karakura's high school principal and take over; subject Ichigo to perpetual detention_

_Plan 239: Send Ichigo a box of skewered strawberries_

_Plan 240: Leave Ichigo alone for a week, then show up in his closet…in a Chappy suit_

Byakuya took his pencil and set it down with a devious grin touching his features.

No, he didn't need to come up with any more ideas right now: he had plenty to work with already, and was sure to be kept plenty busy for a _long _time.

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Renji: *enters empty room* Jeesh, are they _still _at it?

Ichigo and NC: *from 'off-stage'* _**YES!!!**_

Renji: …Whoa…

Byakuya: *enters with crazy grin on his face* Do you think that reviews will get that crazy authoress to write any faster?

Renji: *nervous* Umm, maybe. Why do you ask, Captain Kuchiki, sir?

Byakuya: …I have my reasons…*giggles eerily*

Renji: … O.o …

Byakuya: *bouncing up and down like a rabid fangirl* WHEEEE!! I'm going to be having so much FUN!!!!

Renji: *really freaked out now* …Captain, are you okay?

Byakuya: *suddenly turns serious* Of course I am, Lieutenant Abarai! Now, where did I put my tea… *wanders off*

Renji: …

Byakuya: *giggles from somewhere 'off-stage'*

Renji: …I'm scared now…


	6. Chapter 6

Hey, all! Sorry it's been a while since I last updated. I've been _extremely _busy with schoolwork and church and other stuff that I won't bore you with. Among some of the stuff that I've been doing, I've started another AMV—IchiRuki, of course, but this time more of a humorous one! =D I've also been doing some recording, including an instrumental version of one of my favorite Bleach Beat songs: Glow! *does happy dance!* And thank-you all for the reviews—they're really what keeps me writing, you know! ;) The only thing that can possibly ruin my happy mood is this crazy weather we've been having over here...

Rukia: *enters* What are you talking about? That was hardly more than a drizzle yesterday!

NC: No offense, Kuchiki-chan, but this is the _DESERT_. We NEVER get rain, let alone hail!

Rukia: Oh...

NC: *clears throat* Anyhoo, shall we get started? These people have waited long enough for an update, I think.

Rukia: Oh, yes! Right! *grabs script* Nuttycookie does not own Bleach or the characters. She owns only the plot, and is completely responsible for any...brain damage?

NC: Insanity. It's common when you read too much crazy OOC-ness.

Rukia: Oh. *goes back to script* ...brain damage done to readers or...characters? *puts down script* Um, Meghan-chan, just _what _are you going to do in this chapter?

NC: You'll see.

Rukia: ...Does it have anything to do with me?

NC: Unfortunately, yes. *pats Rukia on head* Sorry, Rukia...

Rukia: ???

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"See anything yet, Captain? Over."

"Not yet. Move it a little to the left. Over."

"Like this?"

"No, you moron! The _other _left! Over."

"Oh. Sorry, sir. Over."

_Shuffle shuffle_

"How about this?"

"Perfect! Alright, Lieutenant, you can come back now."

"Alright, sir. Over and out."

It is a perfectly reasonable assumption that a certain Renji Abarai didn't see _this _one in the job description for the position of Lieutenant. He had just now finished his most recent mission: sneaking into the Kurosaki household—Ichigo's bedroom to be exact—while Ichigo and Rukia were away of course, to drill a little hole into the wall.

Of course, just figuring out how to _use _the little contraption known as a 'drill' was a whole venture in of itself.

Behind that hole, Renji had installed a small webcam with a wireless transmitter, provided by a certain Urahara Kisuke. Said webcam sent a live video stream straight to Captain Kuchiki's new laptop computer, also provided by Kisuke, in exchange for him also receiving the video stream. Now all that Renji had to do now was to figure out this 'YouTube' thing that the Captain was talking about earlier…

Back in Soul Society, Byakuya was sitting in front of his new computer, intently watching the screen for any signs of the two Shinigami's return. They had been gone for well over two hours now, and that fact was starting to disturb him.

Byakuya watched as the door suddenly opened and Ichigo and Rukia entered the room. As he watched them talking, he tried in vain to somehow adjust the volume on the little contraption that sat on his lap. He couldn't hear a blasted thing, but he didn't dare mess around with the gadget too much, otherwise he figured that he might break it. And so, he merely sighed; he'd have to be content with having just the video. At least he could keep an eye on them—literally.

Now we return to Ichigo's bedroom, where Ichigo and Rukia are sitting—rather closely, I might add—on the edge of Ichigo's bed.

"I'm bored," Ichigo said bluntly.

"Me too," Rukia agreed.

Ichigo scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Hey, you wanna do something fun?"

Rukia perked up. "Sure! Like what?"

Ichigo smiled deviously. "Blackmail pictures."

Rukia's small, raven-colored head tilted to the side. "Bwackmail pic-shures?"

"Yeah. Here, hold on a sec." Ichigo ruffled through his backpack until he found a small camera, which he put on his desk and set to 'delay'.

"So now what do we do?" Rukia eagerly asked.

Ichigo grinned broadly with an evil twist to his features. "What else? Get into compromising positions, let the camera do it's magic, and post the resulting images on the internet!"

"Okay!" Rukia squealed, leaping into Ichigo's lap and throwing her arms around his neck.

_Flash_

And compromise, they did.

A few flashes later, back in Soul Society, Byakuya was just barely coming out of his horror-induced coma enough to stagger out of his house, all his limbs twitching and murder in his eyes.

The camera had just stopped flashing as Rukia was sitting atop Ichigo's head, sticking her tongue out while her counterpart made a peace sign with one hand and held up a piece of paper that said 'I love bunnies' in the other. Suddenly, the window to the bedroom was thrown open, and the two of them came crashing down onto the carpet, hopelessly tangling their appendages together. Two Shinigami's, their faces barely visible against the night sky, came into the room with shock and fury on their faces.

"KON! CHAPPY! WHAT THE _HELL _DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?!" Ichigo screeched.

"We've been looking for you all night," Rukia snarled from behind clenched teeth, not bothering to disguise her disgust as she took in the sight of her gigai clinging to Ichigo's body. "I hope you have a good explanation for all this."

"We most certainly do," Kon answered, glaring up at the two Shinigami's boldly while he 'untangled' himself. "We were blackmailing you."

"YOU WERE _**WHAT!?!?**_" Ichigo and Rukia chorused.

"Meep!" Chappy squeaked, hiding behind Kon.

Kon just grinned smugly. "Yep. And it's too late to do anything about it. Your little romance is already all over the internet," he lied smoothly.

The next few seconds were filled with various crashes and screams, until suddenly the bedroom door flew open, practically ripping off of the hinges, and in came a _**very **_angry-looking Byakuya Kuchiki.

"KUROSAKI!!" he boomed. "Just what the—" He stopped short, taking in the scene before him: Rukia was holding Chappy—in her gigai—up against the wall by her shirt collar, and Ichigo was hunched over Kon—in his body—with his fist little more than an inch from his face. All those pieces of information suddenly clicked, and a little _ding _was heard from somewhere in the general direction Captain Kuchiki.

"I—um—" Byakuya blinked a few times, as did everyone else in the room. He cleared his throat, and his tone returned to its normal, emotionless self. "You left your front door unlocked. I suggest you take care of it." And with that, he left.

Ichigo and Rukia continued to stare at the doorway, blinking with blank looks on their faces, before returning to the task at hand…

About ten minutes later or so, they were already regretting what they had just done. Now back in their physical bodies, they found themselves more than a little bit sore—and there was no one to blame but themselves.

"Stupid Kon," Ichigo muttered.

Rukia sighed, rubbing her throbbing cheekbone. "Stupid Chappy."

The strawberry glanced over at the very unhappy-looking midget who was sitting next to him on the floor. "Want me to kiss it to make it better?"

_Smack_

"Guess not. Ow."

On the other side of town—and the other side of the webcam—a certain Urahara Kisuke and his cat friend were _still _dying of laughter.

"Remind me, Kisuke-kun," Yoruichi gasped, "To steal Ichigo's camera. I want those pictures!"

"Sure thing," Kisuke replied between laughs. His mind was already playing with the thought of just how quickly he could get those pictures around on the internet.

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So, what did ya think? Review and let me know! :) Oh, and Chapter Seven will be up _very _soon. In fact, it's already done; I'm just in the process of proofreading it. Hehehe...


	7. Chapter 7

Hey all! I first want to apologize to all my readers out there for not getting this up sooner. I was planning on having this up the day after chapter six was posted, but I've been gone for the past few days and extremely busy with various chores and whatnot today.

I also want to thank all of you who reviewed, and to send a special 'hello!' to Jazzy101: I had no idea that my story would be read all the way over in Australia! :O And I hope that everything is ok with you and your family there, with all those fires I've been hearing about on the news—I'll be praying for all of you 'down under'! :)

Anyhoo, in case you haven't guessed by now, I _do_ _not _own Bleach or the characters, only the plot. I am also completely responsible for any damages done to characters, readers, or your sanity. This message has been brought to you by caffeine, the letter 'C', and readers like you. _Arigatou!_

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"Why do _I _have to do it?"

"Because you're the man, and _you're _the one who asked _me_, idiot."

Ichigo groaned inwardly. "He's _your _brother. _You_ tell him."

"What's with this cowardice all of a sudden, Ichigo?" Rukia asked with one eyebrow arched higher than usual, taunting him. "I thought that you weren'tafraid of nii-sama anymore."

"I'm not!" the strawberry asserted. "But I—er—" He finally gave up on trying to argue with the raven-headed Shinigami who sat next to him. He _really _didn't want to be the one to break the news of their engagement to Byakuya. If he did, he'd be likely to get his head cut off. But if _Rukia_ told him, he might take the announcement a little more calmly.

"Rukia," Ichigo sighed at last, hanging his head and giving her the closest thing to puppy-dog-eyes that he could manage. "Would you _please_ tell your brother for me?"

Rukia visibly stiffened, her lip quivering despite the way her eyebrows tried to frown in a 'no'.

Ichigo cocked his head, leaning towards her and blinking deliberately. "_Please, _Rukia_?_" he repeated slowly, laying on the adorableness much thinker than was probably necessary. "For _me_?"

The look on Rukia's face instantly—and involuntarily—softened. She blinked a few times, trying unsuccessfully to clear her head. "Oh, alright," she conceded, not bothering now to hide her amusement. She stood and walked to the sliding door. "I'll go tell him."

"_Arigatou_, Rukia," Ichigo said fervently; he truly _was _thankful, after all. He winked at her, grinning satisfactorily when he heard her stifled giggle as she disappeared from his sight.

"That Ichigo," Rukia murmured to herself with a chuckle. "He is so ridiculous sometimes. I can't believe that—" She stopped in her tracks with a gasp. "Wait—did he just say..._please_?" Her eyes were almost as wide as ramen bowls now. "_Ichigo_. _Said_. _Please_." She stood there for several long moments, just blinking as she turned those three little words over in her mind.

"_Whoa,_" she thought, shaking her head to drag her back into the present time—and Byakuya's hallway. "_That's...a surprisingly disturbing thought._"

"Nii-sama," she called softly, knocking on the door. "May I come in?" She and Ichigo had been staying here at her brother's house in Soul Society for the past day or so, but Byakuya seemed to be avoiding them at all costs.

Perfectly normal.

"Enter," came the deep voice from behind the sliding door.

Rukia delicately slid into the room, which was empty save for a certain Byakuya Kuchiki, who was sitting on a cushion, holding a pad of paper and a pen in his hand. Upon noticing who had come in, he promptly put said objects aside.

"Rukia-san," Byakuya said, not rising. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no, nii-sama," Rukia stuttered. "It's just that I wanted to tell you, er, the _real _reason why Ichigo and I are here."

"Yes?" Byakuya prompted when Rukia was silent for more than a few seconds.

Rukia swallowed hard and forced herself to look into her brother's eyes steadily. _What am I so nervous about?_ she asked herself quietly. Appropriately chastised, she smiled a little as she said, "Ichigo and I are engaged."

Byakuya looked like he was choking on something, but his normally ever-present teacup was nowhere to be found. "What?" he gasped, eyes wide.

The smaller Shinigami nodded proudly, unable to contain her excitement now. "Yes, nii-sama. We're going to be married sometime this June, and we wanted to invite you, of course." She batted her eyes at him, and Byakuya looked somewhere between dazed, shocked, horrified, and in the midst of a seizure at the same time. Rukia waited patiently for his response.

The Squad Six captain cleared his throat—and his mind—and stood to stride over to Rukia and put a hand on her shoulder. "You have my congratulations, Rukia-san," he said formally. "I assume that you have put much time and thought into this decision?"

"Not really," Rukia answered honestly. "It wasn't really something that I had to even think much about at all, actually."

Byakuya blinked, his expression unreadable. "I see. Well, then, may I have a word with Kurosaki-san? To congratulate him as well?"

Rukia beamed. "Of course! I'll go get him now." She stood and darted forward to give Byakuya one of those things that she called a 'hug'; he tried very hard not to flinch, but even if he had, Rukia probably would have been oblivious to it in her current state of mind. "_Arigatou_, nii-sama!" And with that, she scurried out the door.

Back in the other room, Ichigo was pacing back and forth nervously, until Rukia returned with a big smile on her face. "So, what happened?" he asked eagerly.

Rukia giggled a little. "Nothing _happened_, stupid. I told him all about it, and he congratulated me on it. Oh, and he wants to talk to you for a minute, as well."

"Oh, ok." Ichigo was a little dumbfounded at his nakama's cheery attitude; he had been sure that Byakuya would have done everything in his power to prevent their union, not _approve_ of it. He stepped outside, not quite sure what to expect, and shut the door behind him.

Rukia sat down on one of the little cushions that dotted the room, grinning widely with renewed excitement. She hummed to herself happily, letting her imagination float about on various subjects, especially on just how _good _it would feel to be called _Kurosaki_ Rukia in just a few months. But then her little reverie was interrupted by a loud shout—actually a couple of loud shouts—and a crash coming from the direction of Byakuya's room down the hall, followed by what sounded like a chair being thrown. Except, there _were _no chairs in Byakuya's room....


End file.
